Tosh why am i gay
If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.” “If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?” “High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.” “I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.” Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.” “I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. “I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. “I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.”
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“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. “I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.” I assume you do your best work in the morning. “I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.” See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. “Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test takerâ€? You mean, you're stupid. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. “I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. “No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all” “The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.” And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.” Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. “I don't know why I get away with some things. “How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.” Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?” You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.” “The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?” “We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. “Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…”
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Just the thought of having a man around the house.” “The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.”